Thursday, October 22, 2009

Blank Space? Anyone?

I keep trying to break up with my therapist. This is way more difficult than you might imagine. I have tapered it off to every other week and perhaps this schedule might pare down to once a month and then finally end. You see, she went on maternity leave this summer and I did just fine without a weekly dose of introspection (you see, I think too much already, so is this really helping?) and I was all set to be done cold turkey. But then I wanted to wrap things up (maybe I felt bad for quitting her- guilt!) and my insurance changed (making this an even more expensive weekly endeavor) so I figured I could just go once or twice and set things straight. Then she has to go and point out all of the things I SHOULD be working on (man, I must be lazy). Which is an epic list at any given point in time- the road to self actualization is long and winding road apparently. Maybe this is what the Beatles were singing about on The White Album? Who knows, all I know is that she pointed out that I don’t ever seem to take the time to just take care of me and do things just for me. There is always some sort of agenda, maybe I have created it, but it is certainly almost always serving someone else- not me.

She recommended taking 30 minutes a day to do something just for myself. It can’t be to forward my career, or develop a relationship, or improve, or maintain- it has to be solely me based and in the present. I thought about this and of course tried to do it. I lasted 30 seconds, no joke! I rang her after and told her the issue. She knocked it down to 30 minutes a week (suddenly I felt relieved?!). Half of me is dreading this 30 minutes and half of me is looking forward to indulging myself for that long. Except I can’t decide the logistical features, let alone HOW I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO PULL THIS OFF! Suggestions for what I should be doing for that 30 minutes would be appreciated. I can’t even decide what I should DO! I think it will fit in nicely on Sunday, as I don’t have a lot of immediate plans with people and work expectations regarding Sundays are quite low. Please provide a suggestion in the comments, or if you have my number/email/twitter, send me some that way- I would really appreciate it!. I am going to have to do this every week and I could really use a nudge in the right direction. I think everybody should do this too- if you don’t already that is!
Maybe there is a some big league of people that have made a pact with themselves and others that they are going to do something ridiculously inefficient and indulgent and ENJOY it too at a certain time every day or week or month or whatever? If you are one of those people, what is your secret?! Let me drink your kool-aid. . .

Someone suggested a while back that I might have ADD. Don't we all? To be so busy keeping up with the Jones', twittering, posting, emailing, blogging, facebooking, myspacing, calling, texting, and really interacting with people- how can you not have focus issues?

I used to self medicate by reading all of the time. Except most of the reading I do know is either “I need to go to grad school so help me god I must write good essays and pass this test” reading or “I have already read this book and I have always said I like reading so I’m just going to do this because it takes up time” or “someone suggested this book to me and we are hanging out this weekend, so I had better plow through this whether I like it or not so when she bring it up I don’t look stupid” reading. Not a lot of that “get lost in a book and go on an adventure in your head” type of reading that I truly love so much. I mean, how are you supposed to get into it with all of the noise and things going on and things you may be missing?

I suppose what I NEED is this: “got a blank space where my mind should be”. Where did that blank space go? Did it disappear with the Phish Summer Tour season? HELP me find it!


Sarah said...

Places where Sarshie gets lost:
-Singing in the car for long (or short) drives or sitting in traffic. The music depends on my mood.
-Reading sappy love stories
-Taking walks with my camera
-Snuggling with Bella (maybe you could go to a pet store to get some animal love)
-Creating. Arts & Crafts. Editing photos. Making collages.
-Writing down my thoughts until my hand hurts. Yes, wirting, not typing. It's more personal and just for you, no one else.
-Getting coffee or tea at a cute little shop and enjoying time by myself while still surrounded by people.

I hope this helps. Love you!

randommsugirl said...

Thanks for the tips! I miss singing on road trips with you:)

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