The Quarter Life Headache

I am on the edge of the life decision cliff right now- do I stay at my job that I can't stand but is very secure (and in a city I can't afford!), or do I strike out and try for another somewhere else? The biggest issue is the somewhere else I think. I desperately want to go back to school (thats right, throw some more stress on the pile!), and the graduate program I am interested in isn't exactly offered everywhere. This narrows some places down. Also, my family really wants me to be as close or closer to them. I don't think I necessarily agree with this, but it hurts to not agree with my mother on the phone, so I can't imagine what it would be like to call and tell her I'm moving to Oregon or something. Which brings me to my next point- where would I fit best? Weather, culture, job availablity, compensation, cost of living, accessibility; these are all factors too. Plus there is the BF card. . . .I am not sure if he is factoring in me when he is job hunting in other locales, but I am factoring in him. Obviously, after 5 (on and off) years together, I can't just forget about someone. All things I need to think about. No wonder my head hurts. Its enough to make me want to pack a backpack and hop the next plane to wherever!

Back to the Earth

I have been insanely busy trying to move to a new place (with BF!), study for the GRE, and find a new way to waste those hours from 8-5, Monday through Friday. This does not leave much time left for "fun". Blogging is fun. Reading is fun. Watching trashy television is fun. Shopping is fun. (I think you get the idea). Working, moving yourself, cleaning and trying to play Ms. Fix it are not fun activities. So this means two things. . . . .I am lacking creativity right now, and I have posted in forever! I have lots to say and have been thinking about a lot of things, but getting them up here hasn't happened yet.

Considering that I finally have wireless high speed internet consistently again (first time in two years!), I need to at least post something. So here you go: stolen from Sensibly Sassy, 7 Things I Have Never Done:
I Have NEVER. . .
1) . . . .smoked a cigarette. I haven't even taken a puff!
2). . . .cooked a burger or steak. not a huge red meat fan, so why stray from chicken?
3). . . .drank the milk from my cereal. i think this is grody, but if you enjoy it, more power to you.
4). . . .gotten a speeding ticket (knock on wood here)
5). . . .had plastic surgery, body altering things done
6). . . .hired movers to move me. this will be changing the next time i move!
7). . . .worn foundation, concealer, powder, etc. i have never really worn makeup to speak of. i should probably learn how to put it all on before I look like an age spot mess.

I will post pictures. I will post something a little more interesting. It seems I never manage to make time to do these things. But I know I need to.

Holy Field Trip

After an interesting time last weekend, I am happy to say that I have limited plans this weekend. A lot of people are out of town, so maybe I can manage to catch up on sleep and on here. I am beginning to think that this just isn't meant to have pictures on it. My digital camera died a slow and painful death this weekend. THen again, I have had it since 2004, so what am I complaining about? having to buy a new one. It amazes me that a new camera, same model (canon elph sd), more pixels (obviously some time has passed here), but same camera is the same price it was when I bought my original one. Needless to say, that purchase will have to wait until my ship comes in. I don't really know when that will be, but I am hoping soon. So what i am saying is, no pictures for now. :( sorry, i really like to blog and i really like to take pictures, but when i get busy, these are the first things that get pushed to the backburner. I would like to write in more detail about last weekend, but all i can seem to get out are the events that unfolded:

First and foremost, L+Z's beautiful wedding. I cannot describe how beautiful this was. Gorgeous! totally worth her two years of planning! We took pictures at one of the places i think i wuold eventually like to be married, so you can imagine how amazing those are. Unfortunately, i don't have any of these pictures because of aforementioned camera misfortune. But I have friends that took pics, so hopefully I can just mooch off of theirs. The entire weekend, from Thursday boating and bachelorette tanning to rehearsal dinner atop the Park Place, to the sweet reception was everything I would have dreamed of in L+Z's case. There were 6 people in my overpriced room at the Park Place: Woody, otherspartangirl, Metrogal84 and her husband, and of course BF. BF was a bit of a surprise showing seeing as event number two. . . .

Event #2. Several hours before I was supposed to head up to Traverse city for bachelorette fun, BF got the call that his mom had died. This is never a fun call to take, particularly being that she was young- 57 in fact. Plus it is his MOM. I would be a complete train wreck if my mom died at this point; in fact, you might have to commit me, because whenever anything gets bad in my world I do what any upset person does: call mummy dearest. BF was not particularly close with his mother, in fact they didn't talk all that much; he is much closer to his dad, and i suspect if his dad ever died, he would go to pieces as well. However, his mother did die and he is very upset, as we all would be. Of course this meant a funeral and viewing and wake and all of those lovely funeral activities when a loved one passes. The chosen date for the funeral was Friday. I am thankful it fell on that day, because even though I had to drive 4 hours downstate to attend the funeral (only to drive 4 hours back upstate to make the rehearsal dinner), I could at least attend and be there for BF. I was thinking it would be on Saturday and that would be a nightmare, as I was an attendant for L's wedding. The funeral was beautiful but sad. Someone had decided to paint his mom's nails red (her favorite color) and her lips too. This somehow reflected her personality well. Seeing his mom laid out like that only made me miss mine all the more. The last time i "saw" her was for Metrogal84's wedding, but we haven't hung out since my "episode" in early March. This seems like a really long time. She is coming to visit next weekend.

But all in all I cried buckets of tears this weekend, happy and sad.

I just love weddings :) All this talk of weddings made me want to get married and plan my own. But really I think I just want to have a wedding; not ready to be a grownup yet. Plus I can't even afford a ceremony, let alone the reception right now.

For now I am going to chill out, update things (this??), hunt for sales on Digital cameras, and catch up on sleep. Have a happy friday!

Today is a cynical one. I am not sure if it is the weather (it is humid, kind of chilly and overcast here), the fact that BF is on a mini permanant vacation, or just that I am stuck in a general funk, but today is just not a good one. I am trying to limit the cynical on this blog, but it is hard not to be with current conditions. After reading Matt's blog (see three posts ago), I have come to the conclusion (yet again) that life just isn't fair at all. I don't think that it is fair for me, certainly not fair for Matt or Madeline or Liz, and not fair for anyone in Myanmar, and not fair for anyone who has lost their job because of the current economic situation. Unfortunately, these things show no signs of improving. There is a select percentage of people that are actually thriving (call it the upper class, if you will), but so many others that are struggling to make ends meet. For some reason, I fall into the latter category, but this is mostly because I bought a new car two months before moving here and have student loans. At least I can (almost) make all of my bills every month and still be able to do things. I feel bad for all of the single moms and dads out there that have kids to care for as well on one income. Just another reminder that life really isn't fair. Why was I not born into a trust fund? exactly.


I guess this is just about taking the best of of the worst situations. If you are currently unhappy with your fiscal situation, romantic situation, living situation, career situation, and friend situation, what else can you do, but to fixate as much as possible on what is really good. For me that means enjoying my awesome bathtub with feet (even though it is located in my closet of an apartment), soaking up the sun on Lake Michigan, making the most of my weekends, loving BF for putting up with crazy me, and appreciating the good, true friends I have (even if they are a time zone away). The little things in life.

I am still thinking life is not fair and that I am in a crummy mood today, but maybe the sun will come out tomorrow :)


On another note, sorry for the lack of Muffy pictures. I need to post a lot of pics, just dragging my feet a little right now. Check back soon.

A New Friend!

Courtesy of BF, I now have a little roommate. He stopped off at this cute little aquarium store in Old Town, and brought me a Betta fish. Based on what I have read, it is a male. This isn't going to stop me from calling it she though. So I have decided to name her Muffy. What can I say? She is a preppy little fish. She is not Pink or Green, but this deep violet- blue sort of color. A picture to follow of my new friend. This will be my third Betta fish ever. The other fishies died under sad (for me at least; I get attached) circumstances.
Fish #1 (Violet)
Acquired from the local Meijer as a Freshman in college. Died sophomore year when the crazy cat lady roommate's cat knocked the bowl over and ate the fish. I have never been a big fan of cats! Incidentally, crazy cat lady never apologized. It's called Karma. . .

Fish #2 Ginger
Other roommate purchased this one from Petco. She was sickly out of the gates, and died the first time BF came over. I started crying and he didn't know what to do. But he stuck around :)

Fish #3 Lola
This was actually a Valentine's gift to Crazy cat lady from one of her many illicit (as I see it) suitors. I have no idea what she originally named it. All I know is that crazy cat lady neglected this poor fish as much as her 3 ill behaved kitties. When I saved it from its demise (after feeding it daily for nearly 2 months), it was in a tank not designed for it, with many, many snails, all of the walls covered with icky green algae, and rotting fins/tail. When I moved out, I took it to my parents house, and we lived there all through the summer while I interned in the Detroit area. Obviously, when I moved to Chicago, she came along (my brother held her in his lap all of the way here)too. Lola grew back all of her rotten fins and used to greet me when I would come home by swimming to the side of the bowl and swishing her tail. I always fed her, and changed her water, but one day I came home from work and she was not there to greet me any longer. I got kind of upset when this happened (a little over a year ago) and said I didn't want another fish.

I am really glad BF brought her home though. She makes me smile :)

On the hunt. . .

I know it has been ages since i posted. . . i actually have a bunch of posts saved in word documents on my work computerl. i am trying to figure out how to email post from my spiffy little blackberry i recently purchased (back in January???). Once I get that figured out, then maybe these will come a little more frequently. In short to catch up though:
Had Birthday at Redmond's bar in Wrigleyville. It was about at college-y as I could get in Chicago. Unfortunately, some good friends who had RSVP'd decided that my birthday wasn't that important to them, even though they consistently expect me to drop everything to attend to their plans and whims. Kind of eye opening for the way the rest of the year has progressed thus far. . .

Still in row with Dad; I don't think I will ever be good enough for that man. .

Looking for "way out" of current corporate setting. . if anyone has any ideas; i am open to any and all.

Law school. Well, I got accepted at a few, decided not to apply to a few others, got waitlisted at a couple that count, and got rejected from my dream school. So I have decided; coupled with the current economic situation, that I will not be attending. I need to find some form of intellectual stimulation though. Not exactly going v. well considering it is May and most applications were due several months ago. oops. and the tests. oops again. Potentially considering MLS degree. Thoughts?

BF and I broke up. or well, he broke up with me back in the beginning of March. But then he came back after two weeks. This was not a good two weeks for me. If you know where to look there are various pictures of me "out on the town" from those two weeks. I look happy, but I can assure you I was miserable. The only perks were my friends. You really find out who is your friend and who is just an acquaintance.

Out of the breakup, I decided to start seeing a therapist again. I'm not any crazier than anyone else, but I tend to be a bit of an over achiever and people pleaser type. So I drive myself crazy. With the whole BF thing, I really lost it. Living in a big city where you don't have as much control as you would like over menial things does not help the cause. My therapist will be referred to as PSY from here on out.

I got a promotion if you want to call it that. We really only do lateral moves, so techically I didn't move up. But you do need higher qualifications for this position than the last one. So I sort of think I moved up. And I have to talk to people much less on the phone. And for two whole weeks I actually learned something new! Who would have thought? But now I am back to being bored. At least I'm efficient!

Also, I am in weddings for two very good friends this summer. Wedding#1 is in June and Wedding#2 is in August. I have been very caught up in all of the rituals and festivities, and it occurs to me that I only want to ever get married for the poufy white dress and the fun parties. Obviously I am not in that "married" frame of mind yet. I still have a lot of living to do!

That is about the update for now. In a few hours, I will be in the stinky metal can known as Amtrak speeding (Well not really, but it is faster than walking alright!) towards East Lansing. A fitting for one of those lovely bridesmaid dresses, and Mother's Day brew haha abound.

Can't wait! More to come, I mean it this time!